Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3 am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are. 

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Gözüm hep yükseklerde.

Institute of Nice Dreams

Ben daha hikayeyi bitirmeden Hüzzam bana doğum günü hediyesi olarak hikayemin İngilizcesini göndermiş 🙂 Bir gün biterse, ingilizce çevirisi ondan 😉

Alın size ilk bölümüyle Güzel Rüyalar Enstitütüsü-Institute of Nice Dreams

“Hello, this is the institute of nice dreams” were the first words of their advertisement. Leading role was played by Hayal Kahraman, the beautiful spouse of Hayati Kahraman who shared his life as she shared his hospital. The center which was placed in a emerald green forest that is far from the of the city’s catastrophe were promising that your sleeping problems, addictions and unknown tiredness will be erased completely. In the ending, as the doctor was accompanying his debonair wife, the subtitles were explaining the disorders that, they are promising to cure.

Hayati Kahraman was a well-known neurologist and a specialist on sleeping disorders. On his early days of carrier, his mentors had thought he would be a very promising neurosurgeon because of his incredibly talented operational skills. However, unexpectedly, he chose a very simple subject like sleeping disorders. Moreover, marring Hayal who was unsuccessful in her junior years in medical school as well as having personality disorders and addictions (according to the gossips) were highly interesting.  As people tent to show interest to other lives on the remaining times of their boring lives, after a period of time, all this nonsense were forgotten easily. On the outside they have a strong and complementary relationship with each other that leaves nothing more to say about their lives.

On the other hand my marriage which I started affectionately, was weak after all, as it was ended with a simple migraine. I had strong migraine attacks 2 or 3 times a month. I was lucky to have it this much, now I understand. I always thought Aysel my ex-wife was responsible for this. How happy we were, before getting married! But after our marriage, Aysel started to change like my migraine. The more the thing made me unhappy about my marriage, the more frequently and the stronger my migraine became.

How can I know, the very core of marriage constitution, Aysel and migraine triangle made me what I am today.

As I was hoping my migraine will be over like my marriage, the worse happened; the migraine transformed to a different but more persistent headache…  And then the insomnia came… hence the research for any solution…

Doctors were very interested in my brain’s transformation. While checking out my CTs they chatted like my brain was a separate organism from me, like I was non-existent…   All of the experimental procedures (the non-invasive ones) did not solve my sleeplessness. There were no alternative medicinal mambo-jambo left to try (I even tried voo-doo spells that I found from the web). The mere thing I long for was being like the old days. I was about to leave sleeping drugs and alcohol combination to try (well let’s say more experimental) “Street drugs” I saw the advertisement which left me with no choice other than to try it.

First challenge was getting an appointment and this did not look very possible in a near future. You could understand that when you listened to “my way” from Frank Sinatra on waiting line for minimum 15 minutes. I was not surprised as the only thing that was not scarce in our country was troubled man.

Second challenge: going to their office in İstanbul and having an interview which covers giving almost all personnel secret details about you and your family. As you enter from the door they acted like the most precious thing in that place came to life and walked from the door.  For the interview I was referred to Psychologist Sevtap Parçala’s Office which was at the entrance level. She who was a copy of the model Adriana Lima, who greeted me and told me what we were going to do. Firstly there was going to be a short interview, then blood test was going to be performed, while the old test results were being copied. Then I would wait their response. The interview questions were asked and filled by Sevtap. Possibly she was adding her observation while doing this, otherwise there were no reason to be a psychologist to be doing this. Not everybody would notice this because of her impressive similarity, deep green eyes, a smile crowned by shiny white teeth and fixing her hair as dark as my fortune and let’s not forget her laughter like small volcanic explosions. You would not think about sleeplessness and migraine near her as your illness would also be shocked.

Name: Kaan

Surname: Kahkaha* (Here  Miss Sevtap  had a  seductive laugher with a “Reaaaaalyyyy”)

Date of Birth: 04.12.1979 (means you are 37, but you look much younger)

Education: University/Economy (how nice, a man knowing how to manage money)

Marital status: now single (“you can call widower”, changing looks)

Other health problems: None (how beautiful, when we treat you, we live happily ever after…)

Familial Health History: Unknown (growing up in foster home did not made her emotional, reversely there was a twinkle in her eye as she thought there is no mother in law to deal with) …


After interpretation of my hobbies too, we concluded the meeting. We had a serious chemistry between us. Maybe after everything was over I would stop for a thank you. Then she personally took me to a laboratory which is accessed by a hand print clarification and assured me that every blood test is in their capability. After I gave my blood she accompanied me to the exit. May be it was her name or the relics of her mimics or the little electricity exposure, that day I had very mild head ache.


Although I was told there was a 1 month waiting line, a place was opened for me to fill soon enough.  I had one more chance to get rid of my all troubles.

Hospital was built in a big forest and it had three buildings. The guest that were staying in these buildings, were classified according to their problems, so day time or therapy time people with similar problems would be supportive to each other. Everybody was receiving a calculated treatment file, the length of the stay according to their problem.  It was also clarified that the treatment time would be shortened if patients were correlate with their programs no matter what. But it was also stated in a signed form that your stay would be longer if found necessary. These seemed like standard procedures but were also indicating every loophole was covered.  The reason that I did not notice that in the times, my vision was fuzzy, thinking that this was my last resort. My calculated stay were 1 month, it was long but the price were much wallet friendly from what I expected.

The first days were called orientation as changing environment effects people with sleeping problems much than other people. The most important pieces of orientation was eating every morning, afternoon and evening and working out regularly. My exercises were mild joggings, swimming and moves that especially works my muscles on my back. It was not mandatory to do these exercises. It was up you, but we were doing it anyway in a herd psychology. Other components of the orientation were message programs and watching movies with similar themes in the night. This concluded our days. In the first days of our stay in the facility, we were no more than spoiled adults that were putting to sleep with a swing and lullaby in a luxurious hotel.

First 2 days my psychoanalysis was completed by Doğan Şahin whom I learned was a close friend of Hayati. According to him my deep depression had nothing to do with my health, after what I experienced, my health status was only fair. What they were expecting from me? That I become healthy after having a reassuring pat on my shoulder. He send me back, told me that I focus on being better, advised about smoking less, puting a distance between web and me, getting to know others and lastly after leaving here falling in love again if it is possible.  Fall in love… as if it was in your hands to chose the pit to fall in, when you are in complete darkness.

As they were watching every moves that we make I felt like they were working us slowly, in other words I felt like they were working our subconscious. My aches, addictions and longings were the same but they were not giving any drugs to us. Not even placebo… when patients were complaining from this situation some were assured by their doctors completely. The others who were not persuaded or making a fuss were having their money back and being send back to their homes. We were also witnessing people who were completely treated and some of them were not happy to leave here.

The only person that I had a relation that can be counted as friends was an obsessive compulsive, suicidal 28 year old, bottle glassed cartoon of a man, named Saim Samimi.  An apprentice of life itself with messy black hair, sniffing from allergy and with a humpy posture…  whatever… at least he knew what I would like to talk about… If he was not a person who turned every topic to himself, he would be a person who I would like to see in the regular life. According to me, he had nothing wrong, he seemed like he was longing to be center of attention. If his family slapped him when it was necessary he would be easily treated… on the other hand families are not my strong topic.

After the first 3 days, we finally started sleeping séances which are basically mediation and focusing your thought on the real problem. It was the first time I had ever seen Hayati Kahraman. He was watching us at a distance but what I really felt was, he was watching me. If I was the most successful one of the class I would not notice it but I had nothing accomplished so I felt there were something cheesy. Anyway after 2 days the reason of these looks became clearer when he picked me as his patient. At that time I understood that he did not like me, he liked my CTs.

A person who were liked because of his smartness, does he experience these feelings like me?

 Chapter 2: La femme cliché


Öncelikle parça süper, değil mi ama 🙂

Sonrasında da uzun süre bir şey koymamış olduğumdan, arada bir yılbaşı geçtiğinden dolayı daha da uzun süre geçmiş gibi geliyor bana. Şu aralar GRE’ye bile çok fazla fırsat ayıramadığımı söylemem gerek önce. İşten, güçten ya da başka bir şeyden değil, tembellikten.

Yazacak çok bir şeyde bulamıyor değilim aslında, aklımda 2-3 hikayeyle dolaşıyorum ama oturup yazmaya ve o uzun sürece girmek istemiyorum nedense. Önce GRE bitmeli, bu sene içinde kesin olarak bitirmeyi planlıyorum. Onun dışındaaaa….

Geçen sene 28 kitap okuyabilmişim (çok değil aslında :/ ). Daha önce yazdım mı bilmiyorum, artık okuduğum kitapları bitiş tarihleri ile kaydediyorum. Nereye koymuştum bi bulayım, bi sn…

İşte burada

1.Dune Mesihi- 13.01.15
2.Dune Çocukları 28.01.15
3.Night of the Hunter 13.02.15
4.Cehennem çiçeği 22.02.15
5.Gizli Ajans 03.03.2015
6.Tanrı İmparator 06.04.2015
7.Aramızdaki En kısa Mesafe 08.04.2015
8.Hikayem Paramparça 14.04.2015
9.Dune Sapkınları 13.05.2015
10.Yokyer 06.06.2015
11.Mars Yıllıkları
12.Dune:Rahibeler Meclisi 26.06.2015
13.Behzat Ç: Her temas iz bırakır 04.07.2015
14.Behzat Ç:Son Hafriyat  11.07.2015
15.Rüzgarın Adı 17.07.2015
16.Marslı 27.07.2015
17.Kıyamet Gösterisi 12.08.2015
18.White Fang    28.08.2015
19.Dönüşüm .Eylül içinde 3 günde ama ne zaman.
20.İki Şehrin Hikayesi 09.10.2015
21.Satranç 30.10.2015
22.Kader Denizlerindeki Denizci-Elric Destanı 30.10.2015
23. Melnibornu’lu Elric 27.10.2015
24. 3. Elric kitabı
24. Şeker Portakalı 16.11.2015
25. Fahreneit 451  16.11.2015
26. Martı 25.11.2011
27. Aylak Adam 04.12.2015
28. Muhteşem Gatsby 11.12.2015
29. Shantaram (bu yıl başlayıp henüz bitmeyen 🙂

Tam benlik liste, arada fantastik roman sevdamın eserleri de serpiştirilmiş durumda. Okuduklarıma bakarsam yılbaşı hediyesi olarak serisi tamamlanınca Dune geliyor, ilk 3’ü bir çırpıda okuduğum zamanları metrodayken hala hatırlar anarım. Onun dışında gözlerimi doldurup az daha ağlatanlar var; Şeker Portakalı, Aramızdaki En Kısa Mesafe mesela. Bunun dışında Behzat Komiserim’le geç tanışıp, erken ayrıldık. Arada her okunması gereken kitap listesinde göreceğiniz gerçek klasikler var. Bunlar arasında Beyaz Diş, neden bilmem daha fazla etkiledi beni (İki Şehrin Hikayesi kötü çeviri ve yazım hatalarından kaybetti).

Sonra Mars’la ilgili çok kitap okumuşum, aslında Mars Yıllıkları da oldukça değişik bir bakış açısıydı insanlığa ve insanlığımıza. Marslı ise klasik olacak ama “kitabı filminden daha iyidi” bea.

Geçen sene okuduklarım arasında en çok beğendiğim Barış Bıçakçı’dan Bizim En Büyük Çaresizliğimiz’di. Bu sene de birinciliği ona vermiş olmamak adına Rüzgarın Adı’na vereceğim oyumu. Kralkatili Güncesi’nin ilk kitabı (ikincisi de) gözünüzü korkutacak kadar çok sayfa olabilir ama öylesine güzel bir hikaye kurgusu var ve bir çok hissi yaşatacak güzellikte yazılmış ki onu seçmem gerek. Biraz fantastik ve garip büyülerin olduğu dünyasında, biraz Harry Potter tadı da alabiliyorsunuz, ama kesinlikle ondan farklı. Kitapların en kötü yanı daha 3. kitabın ve belki de sonrasının yazılmamış olması. Yani Game of Thrones’tan sonra yine bir yazarın oturup yazmasını beklemek zorundayım. Üstelik bu serinin de dizisi yapılacak deniyor. Artık bu yüzden bitmemiş serilere girmeyeceğim. (Yazsanıza kardeşim, hele sen GRR Martin, pis şişko).

Neyse şimdilik bu kadar…